One thing I have learned about myself through teaching is that I am a visual learner. I'm not very artistic, but word pictures seem to better express my feelings than anything else! So this picture of our present circumstances being a corridor keeps playing through my mind. This weekend I've been thinking that there is more than one way to try to escape the corridor. I see many doors along this hallway. The doors are closed, but I can hear voices on the other side of each one. The doors open to rooms that don't lead anywhere, but offer a welcome diversion. Some are like a temporary rest stop that give me momentary relief. Behind these doors, I am encouraged by being with friends, being in church, going to the beach. . . even going to the gym! Each of these rooms let me catch my breath and provide a resurgence of energy that propels me back into the corridor. But other doors lead to rooms that are much more seductive. They pull me in and make me want to stay. These are doors that open to binge eating, alcohol, shopping, t.v., self-pity, bitterness, jealousy . . places that relieve the pain, but paralyze my ability to return to the corridor and keep moving forward. Escapism can be oh so dangerous.
But better than leaving the corridor is having people join me in this dark mess. These people don't come with flashlights and road maps, but their simple presence brings comfort. There is a certain awkwardness to being found in this place. It is embarrassing to be seen. But, push past those initial feelings and their intrusion is welcomed. For me, these friends bring the calm and assurance of God into this dark place. They make this corridor less frightening and drown out the whispers of self-condemnation and shame. They bring fresh reminders that one day this corridor will bring us into a place of light and joy and celebration.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Just An Ordinary Day
My strategy this week is to live in the moment. This is good advice for any time, but when life bears down with uncertainty and fear, it seems like that there is really no other alternative. . . other than staying in bed and never leaving my room, which doesn't work well with 5 kids!! So this morning I woke up with a desire to see the good in an ordinary day. Sometimes I take ordinary for granted. I don't have any family members dying, we aren't facing bankruptcy, we aren't fighting chronic illness and we haven't had any major appliances break recently. So here is my ordinary day and the little things I was blessed to experience. . .
I was able to work out for an hour at the Y -- a privilege, because last month, just as our membership was being cancelled, some unnamed saint paid for us to have 3 more months! Suddenly, my morning exercise has become more of a "get to" rather than a "have to." I got to take my oldest daughter out for coffee before dropping her at school. It is no small thing to have a teenage daughter who still seems to like doing things with me and who TALKS to me. I am grateful! I came home to Caleb and Joshua sitting at the table, already doing school!! I guess that's more on the miraculous scale, than ordinary. Again, I'm grateful! Graciela, age 5, is learning to read and that is always such a thrill to experience when you are homeschooling. Caleb had coupons to Chick Fila, so we had a rare lunch out! Saw a friend and her two boys, recently adopted from Uganda. It is nothing short of miraculous when God takes children from one part of the world and plants them in a family halfway around the globe! After lunch, went grocery shopping with 3 kids AND coupons. . . .typically a set up for insanity and stress. Made it through without yelling!! Came home, read some of Exodus with the boys and was very encouraged that a great man like Moses struggled mightily with fear! Opened the mail and received a Visa card for $100 from a dear, generous friend. . . which made me cry and realize again how much I struggle to receive grace! Picked up Evan from high school. Came home and took the dog for a walk with Graciela riding her bike. Ended up hanging out in a neighbor's backyard with a host of kids. I love our neighborhood!! Friends at the front door still seems like such a new and novel thing. I don't take it for granted. Tonight, I'm thankful for taco salads, a wonderful husband, spring coming. . . and American Idol on t.v. again!!
I was able to work out for an hour at the Y -- a privilege, because last month, just as our membership was being cancelled, some unnamed saint paid for us to have 3 more months! Suddenly, my morning exercise has become more of a "get to" rather than a "have to." I got to take my oldest daughter out for coffee before dropping her at school. It is no small thing to have a teenage daughter who still seems to like doing things with me and who TALKS to me. I am grateful! I came home to Caleb and Joshua sitting at the table, already doing school!! I guess that's more on the miraculous scale, than ordinary. Again, I'm grateful! Graciela, age 5, is learning to read and that is always such a thrill to experience when you are homeschooling. Caleb had coupons to Chick Fila, so we had a rare lunch out! Saw a friend and her two boys, recently adopted from Uganda. It is nothing short of miraculous when God takes children from one part of the world and plants them in a family halfway around the globe! After lunch, went grocery shopping with 3 kids AND coupons. . . .typically a set up for insanity and stress. Made it through without yelling!! Came home, read some of Exodus with the boys and was very encouraged that a great man like Moses struggled mightily with fear! Opened the mail and received a Visa card for $100 from a dear, generous friend. . . which made me cry and realize again how much I struggle to receive grace! Picked up Evan from high school. Came home and took the dog for a walk with Graciela riding her bike. Ended up hanging out in a neighbor's backyard with a host of kids. I love our neighborhood!! Friends at the front door still seems like such a new and novel thing. I don't take it for granted. Tonight, I'm thankful for taco salads, a wonderful husband, spring coming. . . and American Idol on t.v. again!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Moving In the Dark
Sometimes there are dark corridors in life, where you know you have to keep moving forward, but you seem no closer to the end of the hallway than when you began. You start off confidently moving in what you believe to be the right direction. You talk to people who have moved down similar corridors. You learn from their mistakes and listen to their wisdom. You move carefully, but intentionally. You know the way is long and dark, but you also know that at some point you will emerge on the other side. You believe it will be worthwhile.
But, no one can tell you how long or dark your corridor. No one can possibly describe the isolation that begins to play tricks on your mind. No one tells you that at points you just want to stop moving, lean up against the wall and go to sleep. . . or at least forget just temporarily where you are. After awhile, it is easy to believe that your corridor is not leading to a better place. . . that it is a dead end and your efforts to move forward are futile. In the prolonged journey, it is easy to succumb to lies and defeat and believe that the darkness of the corridor is your reality.
This is the place where faith is lost or faith is grown. Will I believe what I see, feel and hear? Or will I believe there is more beyond the corridor? I look at the darkness of this unending hallway and my only thought is "when will this end?" I think that the happy ending comes when we turn the corner and emerge on the other side. I look for relief from the pain and the return of personal control. And I want God to cooperate with my desires. I want Him to answer me in a way that makes sense and makes my life easier.
But, God seems to be pretty independent. He could end this journey; but, He doesn't. He could have brought a job long before now; but He hasn't. He could answer my questions; but He isn't. Instead, He just keeps showing up in the corridor. I think I'm alone, but I'm not. I think He doesn't care; but He does. In the midst of darkness and uncertainty, He encourages me to get up and keep moving. He reminds me that there is more to life than what I can see. He brings daily gifts, not as big as a job, but reminders that He's taking care of me. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Paul to his Corinthian friends
So we keep walking in the dark, not seeing the end in sight, but knowing that this walk is not futile. We believe that the God we cannot see is with us every step. When we want to sink down and give up, we believe He will give us what we need to keep going. We believe God is faithful even in the dark.
But, no one can tell you how long or dark your corridor. No one can possibly describe the isolation that begins to play tricks on your mind. No one tells you that at points you just want to stop moving, lean up against the wall and go to sleep. . . or at least forget just temporarily where you are. After awhile, it is easy to believe that your corridor is not leading to a better place. . . that it is a dead end and your efforts to move forward are futile. In the prolonged journey, it is easy to succumb to lies and defeat and believe that the darkness of the corridor is your reality.
This is the place where faith is lost or faith is grown. Will I believe what I see, feel and hear? Or will I believe there is more beyond the corridor? I look at the darkness of this unending hallway and my only thought is "when will this end?" I think that the happy ending comes when we turn the corner and emerge on the other side. I look for relief from the pain and the return of personal control. And I want God to cooperate with my desires. I want Him to answer me in a way that makes sense and makes my life easier.
But, God seems to be pretty independent. He could end this journey; but, He doesn't. He could have brought a job long before now; but He hasn't. He could answer my questions; but He isn't. Instead, He just keeps showing up in the corridor. I think I'm alone, but I'm not. I think He doesn't care; but He does. In the midst of darkness and uncertainty, He encourages me to get up and keep moving. He reminds me that there is more to life than what I can see. He brings daily gifts, not as big as a job, but reminders that He's taking care of me. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Paul to his Corinthian friends
So we keep walking in the dark, not seeing the end in sight, but knowing that this walk is not futile. We believe that the God we cannot see is with us every step. When we want to sink down and give up, we believe He will give us what we need to keep going. We believe God is faithful even in the dark.
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